Hints to : Freddy Pharakas

           ***************





                        F R E D D Y   P H A R K A S

                            FRONTIER PHARMACIST





                         I N T R O D U C T I O N

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           Mankind has made phenomenal strides in the diagnosis

           and treatment of disease.  No longer are we taking

           the naive viewpoint of our ancestors, pointing our

           fingers at the sick and scabrous and crying, "Gadzooks,

           he's infested by evil spirits and daemons!"   No, we

           now know that the root causes of disease are far less

           ethereal and far more commonplace some are caused by

           the collection of toxins within the system, and some

           are caused by poorly-shaped or missing: bumps on the

           skull.  The former we shall address in this, "The Modern

           Day Book of Health & Hygiene"; the latter is well-covered

           in my compapion volume, "The Modern Day Book of Sharp

           Blows to the Head."



           To effectively use this book, you will want to stock your

           medicine chest with the various items listed in Part  1,

           "The Household Pharmacopoeia."  Every item listed can

           be located for purchase at your local general merchandise

           store, at a large metropolitan pharmacy, or from me at

           my associated firm, Lipschitz Excelsior Total Chemicals

           and Household Supplies, catalog: available upon request;

           we feature top-quality merchandise at competitive prices.

           Write to me in care of my publisher and we'll have you

           stocked and fully prepared for all medical emergencies

           and home treatments in a thrice.



           In the reference section, you'll find an alphabetical listing

           of many common ailments and diseases, as well as a

           complete description of the most modern and up-to-date

           treatments medical science and phrenology have to offer.

           Some of the treatments are cross-referenced under their

           own headings, for ease of use.



           Although we have taken great pains to make this the

           most complete and comprehensive home physician book

           available, there are no doubt questions you may have

           concerning treatments and recuperative processes.  We

           will be utterly happy to answer any and all questions put

           to us, via post, at the nominal chargre of $0.55 per

           question. Stamps are not accepted.



           We would like to thank our illustrator, Nathanial

           Mercuriolatum. His most instructive and, we hope,

           enligthtening engravings will help to illuminate your way

           to a better understanding: of the systems and tracts that

           make up our glorious and celebrated innards.



           Herewith, then, to your good health, good fortune, and

           good healing!





                 P A R T   1   :   THE HOUSEHOLD PHARMACOPOEIA

                           NO HOME SHOULD BE WITHOUT

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                 The following is a list of desirable household

           equipment for proper treatment of common ailments, and

           for creating the balms, salves, liquids and tablets

           described forthwith.  All items may be purchased

           through us or at finer pharmacological equipment stores

           nationwide.



                 Note: the usual household medicine cabinet is

           somewhat on the small side for the amount of equipment

           we suggest.  Therefore, we also recommend a larger-

           than-average medicine cabinet to hold this equipment.

           Something about the size of a small banquet hall should

           be sufficient.



                               ALCOHOL LAMP

                             BALANCE & WEIGHTS

                                 BANDAGES

                           BEAKERS, ASSORTED SIZES

                           BOTTLES, ASSORTED SIZES

                        BURETTE CORKS, ASSORTED SIZES

                             (TO FIT BOTTLES)



                               COTTON BALLS

                               COTTON SWABS

                              CROSS-CUT SAW

                       CRUCIBLE FLASKS, ASSORTED SIZES

                          FUNNELS, ASSORTED SIZES

                            GRADUATED CYLINDER

                          UNDERGRADUATED CYLINDER

                          POST-GRADUATED CYLINDER

                               LITMUS PAPEk

                             GAS SPECTROSCOPE

                             MEASURING SPOONS

                         MEDICAL DISPENSING PAPERS

                   (FOR MEASURING AND DISPENSING POWDERS)

                             MEDICINE DROPPER

                              MORTAR & PESTLE

                       PETRI DISHES, ASSORTED SIZES

                            PILL-MAKING MACHINE

                                  PIPETTES

                                PUMICE STONE

                                   RETORT

                                   ROUTER

                                  SPATULAS

                          TEST TUBES, ASSORTED SIZES

                          TEST TUBE RACK OR HOLDER

                             THERMOMETER (ORAL)

                            THERMOMETER (RECTAL)

                            THERMOMETER (NASAL)

                           THERMOMETER (OUTDOOR)

                                TOURNIQUETS



           You will also require the following chemicals and

           perishables :



           AFRINIMIACIDE



                 A powerful anti-swelling agent.  Available from

           Nostril Nostrums, Ltd., Conception Junction, Missouri.

           See: NOSE DROPS.



           AMINOPHYLLIC CITRATE



                 An extremely powerful cure for temporary (non-

           acute) flatulence, in man or beast.  Should Aminophyllic

           Citrate be unavailable, it may be created in the home

           laboratory:  Combine 40 grams Sodium Bicarbonaite with

           15 ml. Furachlordone.  Pour into beaker.  Dilute with

           water to make 100 ml. Add 5 grams Magnesium Sulfate,

           stir the mixture well using only a pure glass rod.  Pour

           into medicine bottle and cork. Mix 1:1000 with water.



           AMMONIA



                 A colorless, pungent gas, achieved through dry

           distillation of nitrogenous organic bodies such as blood

           and bones.  Not recommended for synthesis at home.

           When infused with water, often called "Spirits of

           Hartshorn."



                 Soluble ammonia is a decent disinfectant...and it

           DOESN'T leave streaks!



           AMMONIUM CARBONATE



                 Pungent crystals, often called "smelling salts."

           Available widely, or from D. P. Gumby Ammonium

           Carbonate Co., Theale-on-Line, Berkshire, England.



           ANALGESIC RUB



                 One of the greatest hoaxes ever perpetrated upon

           dhe unwitting public, and a darn fine one, too.  Does not

           actually provide any medication as analgesics work on

           the brain and not on localized sites.  However by creating:

           a stinging: or burning discomfort on the skin, it

           effectively distracts from the ache or pain for which the

           rub is used. See: RUBEFACIENT.  Often fools senior

           citizens and adults; unfortunately, children cannot be

           deceived quite as easily.  A jocular item to keep around

           the locker room.



           ANESTHETIC



                 Important to have available at all times.  Whisky

           and other high-proof alcoholic beverages will serve;

           ether, chloroform and a sharp blow to the head will also

           suffice (see my above-mentioned, "The Modern Day Book

           of Sharp Blows to the Head").  Biting down on bullets is

           only recommended provided the bullet is facing outward

           from the head and away from innocent bystanders.



           ANTACID



                 There are numerous antacids available.  Most

           appear to be combinations of Sodium Bicarbonate and

           Calcium Carbonate. See: SODIUM BICARBONATE,

           CALCIUM CARBONATE.  Extract of Swiss Lemon Creme

           is useful to make these more palatable.



           ASPIRIN



                 An antipyretic, antirheumatic, analgesic pill

           consisting: of the acetyl derivative of salicylic acid.

           So far, the basic usage seems to be for keeping cut

           flowers from wilting, but new experimental uses are being

           explored all the time.



           BALM



                 An ointment or liniment, rubbed on external sites

           to provide temporary symptomatic relief of aches, pains,

           bruises, and other localized pain.  Oil of Belladonna and

           Nightshade Jelly are two particularly effective balms;

           however, it is inadvisable to take them internally.



           BIMETHYLQUINOLINE



                 A crystalline substance used in the manufacture of

           certain drugs.  Hard-to-find but well worth a trip to the

           Joliet Bimethylquinoline Mines to pick up some freshly-

           hewn granules.



           BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE



                 Has been found to be an effective, albeit highly

           powerful, compound in the correction of diarrhea,

           although it is not normally recommended for individuals

           due to its extreme concentration and possibility for

           overdose, with subsequent dire consequences.  Best when

           taken with vast quantities of water. Storage may be a

           problem due to short shelf life.  May be synthesixed as

           follows: Combine 25 ml. of Bismuth Subsalicylate with 5

           ml. of Orp henamethihydride in a test tube.  Heat over

           flame until mixture begins to boil. Pour into medicine

           bottle and cork.  Remove from flame and dilute with one

           thousand gallons of water (approximately).  Makes

           enough Bisalicylate Antifoxidene for four thousand

           doses.



           BISMUTH ENTEROSALICYLINE



                 Used in the compounding of drugs such as

           Beinbyate, Lezl-E Neelcin, Sudabum, and Quinotrazate.



           BISMUTH SUBSALICLATE



                 Primarily prescribed as a stool darkener.  Some

           believe it to be efficacious in a variety of digestive aids.



           BEACH



                 A catch-all name for any of a variety of chemicals

           which can leech color, but often referring specifically to

           Sodium Hypochlorite, an oxidixing compound.  Sodium

           Hypochlorite can also be used as a decontaminating:

           agent for various types of gasses.  Apply fo liver spots

           thrice daily; will not eradicate liver spots but will

           certainly irritate them into forming: scabs, thus

           disguising them.



           BORAX



                 Also known as "20 Mule Team Borax."  A white

           crystalline compound used as an antiseptic, as a food

           preservative, for various medical purposes and as a flux.

           Found native as "tincal,' and with a sweet, alkaline taste.



           BORIC ACID



                 A white crystalline compound, used as a mild

           antiseptic and sometimes as a preservative.  Found in

           volcanic lagoons of Tuscany, Italy. Really.



           CAFFEINE



                 A relatively new ingredient in the home medicine

           arsenal. Currently used mainly as a flavoring: agent in

           coffee, chocolate, and the new "carbonated" beverages,

           but believed by many modern-day physicians to soothe

           agitated nerves and calm excitable children.

           Experimentation is currently underway to confirm this.



           CALAMINE LOTION



                A soothing pink lotion consisting of zinc and

           ferric oxide in a suspension.  Useful for a variety of skin

           ailments. Comforting to victim, only because it brings to

           mind when Grandma used to take you for long walks in

           the poison ivy and then had to slather you with the stuff

           afterwards. Remember?



           CALACIUM CARBONATE



                Used to provide that much sought-after "chalky"

           texture for antacids, laxatives, diuretics, and other

           bowel-related liquid medications.  Can by synthesi~ed in

           the home thusly: Take one 5-inch length of schoolhouse

           chalk.  Grind in a mortar until a fine powdery

           consistency is achieved. Use 1 gm powder per dosage as

           recommended.



           CACITRATE



                Added to make certain children's medications more

           palatable.  In pill-based medications, imparts a malleable

           texture allowing you to mold the pills into the dinosaur

           shapes children love to eat (except for Betty)!



           CARBON



                 Also known as granulated charcoal.  Despite the

           mess and inconvenience, carbon makes a serviceable

           deodorant, and can even be used to filter some gaseous

           fumes, such as methane, from air to make it breathable.

           Cheap and readily available.



           CASTOR OIL



                 Primarily used to prove to children who's really

           the boss around this house, and you're gonna take this

           and go straight to bed or you're gonna wish you had of!



           CHLOROFORM



                 A delightful additive to heighten the enjoyment

           gained from certain highly-alcoholic remedies and elixirs.

           Also used as a sedative with humans and animals.



           CODEINE



                 The narcotic of choice when compounding

           expectorants and cough suppressants.  May create

           nausea upon consumption; fortunately, the narcotic effect

           ensures that the patient does not care about the nausea.



           COPPER SULFATE



                 Bluestone.  Used to achieve a pleasant color in

           many preparations.  Can also be added to non-medicated

           drinks to produce bizarre and amusing effects.  Breaks

           the ice at parties.



           COUGH DROPS



                 Edible tablets of soothing or medicinally-treated

           candy. Some of the best commercially available cough

           drops are: Murgatroyd Bros. Licorice 'n Dioctyl Sodium

           Sulfosuccinate Drops, Halley's Mentho-Propylene Glycol

           Troches, and Ludnick's Honey, Lemon and Sorbitan

           Monostearate Lozenges.



           COUGH SYRUP



                 Some suppress coughs, some cause the patient to

           expectorate (cough up phlegm).  Preparations that claim

           to do both are useless and cancel each other out.  Can be

           synthesized at home as follows:  to 20 ml.

           Mercuriomuculate Dioxide, add 15 gm. Essence of

           Butyrachrome.  Heat slowly until dissolved.  Cool.

           Stopper. Shake. Dosage: 1 tsp. per hour as needed.



           DIURETIC



                 A medication that stimulates the secretion and

           flow of urine.  Beer appears to be extremely efficacious.

           The saying: goes, "You can't buy a diuretic...you can only

           rent one!"



           EAR DROPS



                 Often a gentle formulation of Hydrogen Peroxide,

           designed to slowly dissolve accumulations of ear wax

           that may be causing blockages or exacerbating:

           infections.  Use caution when applying; remember the

           rule of thumb: never place anything: larger than your

           elbow into your ear.



           ELIXIR



                 A general term used in hundreds of liquid ,,patent

           medicines."  May contain herbal or synthetic chemicals,

           or a combination of those.  Most elixirs have, in common,

           an extremely high alcohol content, often up to 95% of the

           contents of the bottle.  Thus, they may be more effective

           in creating flamb~s than in battling illness.



           ENTEROMAGNELINE



                 Used in  the formulation of Testostearate,

           Einbinder Digestive Salts, Myomiomy, ancl other

           remedies.  Warning: should not be consumed by those

           with "I'm Allergic to Enteromagneline" medic alert

           badges, medic alert rings,  medic alert necklaces, medic

           alert cloisonnes, or medic alert cameos.



           EPSOM SALTS



                 See: MAGNESIUM SULFATE.



           ESTROSTERANE



                 Can be used to prevent conception after marital

           relations. Normally available only by prescription.  May

           be produced in the home as follows: Grind 15 gm. of

           Bimethylquinoline crystals and 15 gm. of powdered

           Metyraphosphate in a mortar.  Prepare 5 gm. dosages on

           pure sheets of medicinal dispensing paper. Recommended

           maximum dosage: 1 box of six.



           ETHYL ALCOHOL



                The woman who invented the hangover.  Also a

           convenient fluid in which to dissolve many compounds,

           having a higher solvency factor than plain, boring old

           water.



           EYE DROPS



                 Despite claims to the contrary, water is all that is

           needed in most cases where eye drops or eyewash is

           required. Eye drops may be used to flush foreign objects

           from the surface of the eyeball, or to moisten dry eyes.

           To prevent dry eyes, try not to'rub your eyes with a

           rough, absorbent towel.



           EYEWASH



                 See: EYE DROPS.



           FORMALDEHYDE



                 A toxic, unpleasantly-scented preserving gel.

           Should any organs or limbs need to be preserved for any

           reason, plunge immediately into a jar of formaldehyde

           once the vital fluids have been drained.



           FURACHLORDONE



                 Used in the manufacture of Aminophyllic Citrate,

           Limnotic Knidphyte, Chloroslychmun, and other popular

           medications.  Also useful as a topical remedy for poison

           ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, poison honeysuckle, and

           poison lily-of-the-valley.



           IPECAC



                 Usually proffered in syrup form.  Causes instant

           and severe vomiting, useful in the event of accidental

           poisoning. Also tremendous fun when secretly added to

           the chocolate syrup dispensers of competing pharmacies.



           ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL



                 Used in perfumery and as a solvent; can also be

           used for rubdowns and as a topical refresher.  Bracing.

           Do not drink.



           LAXATIVE



                 A purgative; something that enables the body to

           better void or eliminate fecal matter.  Psyllium husk is a

           good natural laxative; many fiber-rich foods also have a

           natural laxative effect.  See: CALCIUM CARBONATE,

           MILK OF MAGNESIA, MINERAL OIL, PSYLLIUM.



           LEECHES



                 They're not just for breakfast any more!  Yes, we've

           discovered that leeches are not only superb delicacies, but

           useful for cleansing the blood and removing toxins.

           Standard dosage: three leeches at a time, left for one hour.

           To draw blood from localized injuries, place the leeches on

           the bruised or contused sites.



           LINIMENT



                 See: BALM.



           LOTION



                 A medicated liquid, usually thick and creamy,

           used for cleansing or to aid in healing any diseased or

           contused external area.  Most topical remedies may be

           made into a lotion by suspending in a lanolin solution.



           MAGNESIUM SULFATE



           Commonly known as "Epsom Salts."  Not useful

           per se as a medication or component, but definitely

           helpful when your Epsoms taste a little too bland.



           MERCURIC CHLORIDE



                 Also referred to as "Zenker's Solution."  A

           strength-building: compound useful as an adjunct in male

           hormone treatments. In just seven days, it can make you

           a man!

           MERCUROCHROME



                 Dyes minor flesh wounds bright pink, making

           them easier for others to spot and comment upon.  No

           medicinal value whatsoever.



           METYRAPHOSPHATE



                 An anti-conceptuant when used in conjunction

           with Bimethylquinoline according to laboratory specs.



           MILK OF MAGNESIA



                 A milky aqueous suspension of magnesium

           hydroxide; useful as both a laxative and antacid.  See:

           ANTACID, LAXATIVE.  And it tastes GOOD, too!  See:

           CALCIUM CARBONATE.



           MINERAL OIL



                 A generic term encompassing: various oils derived

           from inorganic matter, esp. petroleum & petroleum by-

           p roducts.  An effective laxative. See: LAXATIVE.  Really

           really nasty stuff.



           MUSTARD PLASTER



                 A thick poultice of powdered mustard and flour,

           used as a counterirritant and rubefacient.



           NEO-SYNECTIDE



                 A powerful anti-swelling agent, used in nose drops

           and asthma medications. See: NOSE DROPS.



           NITRABYLOCYNINE



                 By itself, an emollient, but when combined with

           compounds to be orally ingested, Nitrabylocynine aids in

           the absorption through the stomach lining.  Gives you

           that "get up and GO!" feeling (as well as that "get out of

           the way!" feeling).



           NOSE DROPS



                 In case of blockage of the nasal passages, nose

           drops may be prescribed to shrink swelling of the mucus

           membranes and thus open breathing tubes.

           Unfortunately, most nose drops result in "rebound effect"

           wherein once the effects of the drops have worn off, the

           membranes re-engorge, often to an even greater extent.

           Disgusting but profitable for the pharmacist!  Usual

           dosage: 2 drops in each nostril, every 4-6 hours, of neo-

           synectide or Afrinimiacide.



           ORPHENAMETHIHYDRIDE



                 A desalinization compound.  Also a handy

           substitute for vermouth.



           PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE



                 Effective aid in treatment of the vapors.  Available

           from   Furnette   Formulas,   Cincinnati,   Ohio.

           Pepticlymacine Tetrazole is an acceptable substitute for

           Tyloxpolynide. Dispense at 40 ml. per bottle.



           PETROLEUM JELLY



                 A thick gel of petroleum by-product, useful to

           cover first degree burns or to help in the hydration of

           chapped or dried skin.  Also makes a fabulous skin

           lubricant for those occasions when you anticipate

           rubbing a lot of skin together.

           PHENODOL OXYTRIGLYCHLORATE



                 A compound composed of sugary esters and

           mentholated chlorine.  Used in the manufacture of

           Quatrotriticalite, Benzaphyl, and Quinotrazate.  Available

           from Kookamunga Khemicals, Boston, Massachusetts.



           PHENOLSULPHONPHTHALEIN



                 By itself, a common household astringent useful

           Por treating cuts and bruises; in combination with other

           compounds, can be a powerful catalyst.  Used in

           preparation of Testosterone and other hormone-related

           chemicals.



           POTASSIUM CUPRITARTATE



                 Also goes by the label "Fehling's Solution." Can be

           used as a mouthwash, a gargle or, if swallowed, as an

           emetic. Nasty stuff but very useful.



           POTASSIUM NITRATE



                 Also known as Nitre.  Can be used in explosives.

           Or can be thrown away. Your choice. Fun!



           PSYLLIUM



                 A plantain of Asia Minor, or its seeds (which

            resemble flaxseed).  In olden times, at the allnual

           Psyllium harvest, women would sit around during the

           "Psyllium Husking" and husk tremendous quantities of

           psyllium, so that the community would have enough

           laxative to last the winter.  Available from Mucily

           Products, Inc., Atlanta, Georgia.



           QUICKSILVER



                 Mercury, a metal which is liquid at room

           temperature. Occurs naturally in sea life (particularly

           tuna and swordfish).  Useful for home-made

           thermometers, can also help in hat-blocking.  Warning:

           prolonged exposure will cause madness. Keep stoppered,

           or at ieast hold onto it very tightly.



           QUININE



                 An amorphous bitter alkaloid with tonic and

           antipyretic properties.  Useful for eradicating common

           household malaria. Also terrific with a little gin and lime.



           QUINOTRAZATE



                 A highly efficacious and useful medication when

           taken orally at a dosage of NTE 60 mg/day.  To prepare:

           to 15 ml. of Bismuth Enterosalicyline, add 30 gm of

           Phenodol Oxytriglychlorate to produce  Quinotrazate.

           Mix together in a glass beaker.  Stir the mixture well

           using only a pure clean glass rod. Process into pill form.

           Usual dosage is 21 pills.



           RESERPLICINE OXIDE



                 A naturally-occurring substance derived from

           powdered ostrich gizzard.  Serves as both an anti-caking

           agent and an anti-agent caking.



           RUBEFACIENT



                 Any medicament that causes redness or irritation

           or breaks the ice at parties. See: ANALGESIC RUB,

           MUSTARD PLASTER.



           SALTPETER

                 Can refer to either Sodium or Potassium Nitrate,

           used for explosives and fertilizer, among other things.

           Saltaeter is also used as a sexual appetite suppressant,

           which makes it a useful item to have around the house.

           SILVER NITRATE



                 A poisonous compound used in photography, but

           also useful in the home medicine chest as an astringent

           and antiseptic.



           SODIUM BICARBONATE



                 Baking: soda. Used to correct flatulence & diarrhea;

           useful on fires (by producing carbon dioxide in large

           quantities, thus suffocating the flames).  Also amusing:

           when added to acetic acid (vinegar).  Available from Watt

           & Crickson Chemists, San Francisco, California.



           SODIUM CHLORIDE



                 Useful on tomatoes, soups, guiche, chili, cooked

           vegetables, prepared meats, egg dishes and other foods.

           Extremely salty in its pure form, but somewhat sweeter

           when cut 1:1 with dextrose, sucrose or fructose.



           SORBITALIC ACID



                Puckers wounds.  Has no direct medicinal effect,

           but acts as an effective placebo, leading: the patient to

           believe that something efficacious and antibacterial has

           been slathered painfully on the wound.



           STYPTIC PENCIL



                 A white chalk-like tube of highly astringenf

           compound, desigrned specifically to staunch the flow of

           blood, especially in shaving accidents.  Less useful for

           larger wounds, such as those involving farm equipment.

           Indirectly useful for stimulating tear ducts and

           provoking loud sounds. Available from Ow-Chi Imporfs,

           Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.



           SUPPOSITORIES



                 A most unusual and intriguing: means of

           delivering medication to the lower bowels and sigmoid.

           Consists of a medicated lozenge which dissolves at body

           telnperature, in!serted rectally. Good for the treatment of

           hemorrhoids and Gere's Gerbil Syndrome.



           TESTOSTERATE



                 5 ml. of Testosterate administered orally twice

           daily will add masculinity to the lightest male. To

           prepare: Combine 10 ml. of Phenolsulphonphthalien

           liquid with 30 gm. of Enteromagneline powder in a

           beaker. Bring to a boil. Allow to cool ever so sightly

           before adding: 5 gm. of Reserpicline Oxide. Dilute with

           enough Nitrabylocynine to make 75 ml. of Testosterate.

           Stir. Pour into medicine bottle and cork.



           TETRACYCLINE



                 An experimental drug, but one worth taking for

           certain unmentionable diseases (like the Pox...whoops,

           now we mentioned it). Try 500 mg 4x daily for 10 days.

           Sure did the trick for me; now Lulu and I are good

           friends again.



           THIOURACILIUM



                 First of a new class of drugs called "analg-esics,"

           designed to relieve tension and ache in the anal region.

           Two tablets every four hours as needed.



           TYLOXPOLNIDE



                 An effective aid in the treatment of the vapors.

           Not possible to synthesize in the home laboratory,

           however, substitutions are permissible. (See:

           PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE.)  Available from D. B.

           Aze & Sons, Baltimore, Maryland.



           UREAPHILOFINE



                 Liquid version of Ureaphine, used to alleviate the

           dreaded "purple urine" syndrome common to small

           children who have ingested purple crayons.  A highly

           specialized drug, but keep it on hand just in case.

           VALERETAL DINOCTUM



                 Similar in function to Syrup of Ipecac, but causes

           reverse perilstalsis in the sigmoid.  Creates a loud case of

           acute borgrythmus and prevents the patient from

           evacuating for at least 12 hours.  Useful when the

           plumbing is out.



           WISMUTOXYJODOGENOMYLON



                 Often prescribed to treat bruises and contusions of

           the tongue, normally brought on by attempting to

           pronounce the name of the chemical. An ingenious drug,

           albeit with limited usage.



           WITCH HAZEL



                 A North American shrub, the fluid extract of

           which makes an extremely effective astringtent,

           tightening: and drying the skin. This makes it useful for

           cleansing acne or other oily skin, soothing bruises and

           sprains, refreshing. etc. Also spelled "wych hazel."





                   P A R T   2   :   HOME PROCEDURES

                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



           In an emergency, prompt and courteous treatment is a

           must. The guide below will instruct you in providing aid

           for the most mundane illnesses and conditions,  from

           setting: a broken leg: to reviving the victim of a heart

           attack.  More serious emergencies had best be referred to

           your local physician or hospital.



           ACNE



                 Acne was once thought to be an eruption of bad

           yellow bile.  Technically, while it still appears to be an

           eruption of bad yellow bile, we now know it to be caused

           by foreign foods, such as the French food pommes de

           terre frites, Swiss chocolate, etc. Curiously, acne appears

           to subside with the cessation of the process known as

           "pubescence," but upon examination, this is logical:

           during pubescence, there is a craving for exotic foods

           and the need to "break away" or "rebel" from more proper

           foods such as corn meal mush, cactus and buffalo. Until

           these urges abate post-pubescence, a return to the basics

           will go a long way to alleviate most serious acne. An

           occasional facial scrubbing with lye soap and a pumice

           stone is also recommended to remove those annoying:

           pustules!



           BROKEN BONES



                 These are a common hazzard and, contrary to

           popular belief, do not require professional medical

           attention.  If a limb is broken, merely adjust the bones

           using a straight-edge ruler until they line up properly.

           Then bind the bones with a "splint" (a two-by-four tied

           with several kerchiefs) so that they remain in line for at

           least a week or two. The break, once healed, will actually

           be stronger than the original bone...although we do NO'l'

           recommend you break each and every bone just to create

           stronger, healthier limbs!

                 Occasionally, bones other than limbs will also break

           (ribs, skull, pelvis, shoulder blades); these cannot be set

           using a splint.  Fortunately, these tend to heal on their

           own when left alone.  Try to avoid placing undue or

           uncomfortable pressure on these bones for several weeks

           or until firmly set.



           BRUISES



                 These are simply the result of broken blood vessels

           underneath the skin, a natural and spontaneous

           occurrence which should not be viewed as serious.

           However, they are unsightly and can be painful.  See the

           above Pharmacopoeia for several alleviating substances,

           most notably the application of several leeches to the

           immediate area.  The discoloration should quickly

           subside.

                 Note that in some cases, thk bruises may actually

           swell or raise the surface of the skin.  These are merely

           pools of blood; to eradicate the swelling, simply "squish"

           the blood around to the surrounding tissue and even out

           the surface.  This is best accomplished with a standard

           kitchen rolling pin.



           BURNS



                 There is a saying in the medical profession: "The

           only people who get burns are the people who deserve

           them." This is our way of saying that burns can nearly

           always be prevented simply by being attentive, aware,

           alert and intelligent.



                 Nonetheless, there are many - most notably

           children   who will occasionally suffer from burns. In

           either event, the application of a sootSling balm or

           calamine lotion will aid in healing and reduce the chance of

           infection.  However, it is generally understood by

           doctors that they  will  not treat burns that were arrived

           at through clumsiness and stupidity.  Pain and a rapidly

           spreading infection are excellent and constant reminders of

           the need to be cautious when dealing with heat and flame.



           CHOKING



                 Choking is caused by a foreign object or wayward

           chunk of food being lodged in the windpipe.  Fast,

           thoughtful action is a must if a choking victim is going

           to be saved from asphyxiation.



                 First, ascertain that the victim is indeed choking.

           If the victim gags violently and turns blue, this may

           simply mean that the victim has swallowed something

           extremely cold and distasteful.  Cover the victim with

           blankets and provide plenty of strongly-flavored hot tea.

                 Should you determine that the victim is indeed

           choking, the first course of action is to force the victim to

           swallow as much liquid as possible; the weight of the

           liquid may be enough to propel the lodged object further

           down the gullet and, eventually, into the stomach where it

           belongs.

                 If this does not seem to work, take your common

           household plunger (also known as the "plumber's helper")

           and apply it around the mouth and nose of the victim.  Three

           or four quick plunges will dislodge any item.  Sometimes

           just the smell of the thing will help bring something up!



           COLDS & INFLUENZA



                 The saying goes, "Feed a fever, starve a cold."

           Mankind has yet to determine the precise cause of the

           common cold.  We are, though, reasonably sure that

           certain activities can trigger the onset of a cold: walking

           in cold weather without a coat of some sort; sitting in a

           bath whose water has gone cold; getting wet and not drying

           off promptly.

                 While there is no cure for a cold, there are

           symptomatic treatments.  Hot beverages will soothe a

           sore throat and promote the loosening of phlegm in the

           chest.  Placing ice cubes in the nostrils will draw the cold

           up and out the nose, away from the chest and throat.

           Attaching clothes pins to the lips will push infected blood

           away from the head and closer to the heart, where the

           immune system is strongest.  And placing a vacuum pump

           down the esophagus will help draw away accumulated phlegm.

                 While none of these treatments will cure the cold,

           they will go a long way towards making the cold sufferer

           more comfortable.



           CONSTIPATION



                 Constipation is an unnatural hardening of the

           stool, making voiding: difficult and strenuous.  If

           unchecked, it can lead to hemorrhoids and other

           afflictions of the lower bowels.

                 The key to curing a bout of constipation is to eat

           plenty of soft, liquidy foods.  Some of the best are: saft or

           melted cheese, milk, butter, eggs, cooked beef and melted

           chocolate.  Laxatives such as Psyllium are also

           recommended, but only when more natural remedies fail.



           CORNS



                 Corns are horny thickenings of cuticle, typically

           found on the feet; in animals, esp. horses, corns refer to a

           morbid condition of the fore hoof resulting in

           inflalnmation of the horn (produced by tissue damage to

           the sole).  Corns can usually be made better simply by

           picking at them; soaking them briefly to soften them

           fivst helps make them more pickable.



           CROUP

                 Can refer either to a general inflammation of the

           larynx, resulting in a painful spasm or cough, or to a

           specific condition in which a false membrane develops

           over the throat accompanyillg the coughing and spasms.

                 Croup is best treated by the ing-estion of hard, rough-

           textured food such as rock candy (swallowed in chunks)

           and bread crusts, and highly acidic foods such as freshly-

           squeezed lemon juice or vinegar.  The rough-textured

           foods scrape the infected tissue off the throat and into the

           stomach, where the digestive juices will dissolve it; the

           acidic foods will also "burn ofF" the infection and thus

           soothe the inflamed tissue.



           DEHYDRATION



                 Is caused by a lack of fluid in the body.  Under

           ideal circumstances,  the body produces enough fluid to

           sustaill life on its own; we drink to satisfy thirst,

           not to prevent dehydration. Thus when a person exhibits

           the signs of dehydration (flaking of skin, falling hair,

           dry eyeballs that refuse to blink, etc.), do NOT give

           the patient additional fluids!   Given enough time, the

           body MUST learn to produce these fluids itself!  Ingesting

           fluids into the body will only dehydration and prevent

           the body from developing its own natural defenses!





           DIARRHEA



                 Diarrhea is caused by too many soft, liquidy foods

           finding- their way into your digestive system.  Unchecked,

           it can lead to dehydration.  It may be cured quickly and

           cleanly by eating quantities of solid foods, or foods with

           stiffening ingredients like pectin, such as: fibrous breads,

           apples, cruciferous vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower,

           etc. ( see: BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE.)



           FEVER



                 The saying goes, "Feed a cold, starve a fever."  In

           this case, "starving" refers to not giving a fever what it

           wants: warmth.  A person suffering from an elevated

           temperature (anything above 98.6 when taken with an

           oral thermometer, above 99.6 when taken with a rectal

           thermometer,   97.6 when taken with a nasal

           thermometer, or 84.3 when taken with an outdoor

           thermometer) should be immersed in ice water until the

           fever breaks.



           FLATULENCE



                 Properly treating flatulence, whether in man or

           beast, requires diagnosing' the source of the offensive

           odor. Obtain a sample of the gaseous matter (any simple

           container, such as a paper bag, will suffice).  Place your

           gas spectroscope (you do still have that old gas

           spectroscope out in the barn, don't you?) in front of a lit

           alcohol lamp or Bunsen burner.  Burn the gas on the

           flame and observe the spectra readout.  Compare the

           readout to the tintypes below and treat with the

           appropriate solution:



           HEART ATTACK



                 One of the most feared sicknesses of all time, heart

           attack is the result of a sickly constitution.  Preventive

           medicine is best. A healthy constitution must be

           fomented by a varied, healthy diet.  Eat plenty of rare red

           meat, liver, pork, eggs, cream, cheeses, and fried foods;

           supplement this with homegrown vegetables such as

           potatoes, corn and peas; pure white bread for fiber; and

           fruits when available (however, be warned: fruits may

           contain worms and other impurities and should only be

           eaten sparingly).

                 In the event of a heart attack, the victim may feel

           shooting pains in the left arm and centralized pain in the

           chest. The patient should immediately grasp the wrist to

           reel the pulse, breath shallowly, turn pale, sweat, and say,

           "Oh, no!  I'm coming, Esther!" over and over in order to

           stay awake.  Crumpling to the floor is optional.  After a

           period of panic, bed rest is prescribed, accompanied by

           heavy dosages of self-recrimination for an unhealthy

           lifestyle.



           HEARTBURN



                 Esophagitis, a burning sensation of indigestion

           that manifests itself in the upper abdomen.  Antacids

           may be used to alleviate the symptoms temporarily, but in

           chronic cases, an esophagotomy may be required.  This

           surgery is best performed in a hospital or barber shop.



           HEMORRHOIDS



                 Also known as "piles," characterized by a swollen

           mass of varicose veins in the rectum, which sometimes

           protrude in a manner resembling grapes, and...you don't

           really want to hear this, do you?  Good, because I'm

           getting just a wee bit nauseous talking about it.

                 Balms and ointments applied to the area may offer

           symptomatic relief; however. for longer-lasting relief, a

           change of diet is prescribed.  Chronic constipation can

           result in hemorrhoids, thus the same dietary



           MUMPS

                 Another acute viral infection (collect the whole

           series!), usually confined to the childhood years.

           Mumps are characterized by inflammation and swelling

           of the salivary glands and, in teenage and adult males,

           swelling of one or both testes.

                 Fortunately, complications are rate, and one bout

           with mumps confers future immunity.  Analgesics are

           dictated but there is no specific cure known at this

           time.  The only long-term side the social stigma of walking

           around looking like you're storing nuts for the winter in

           your cheek pouches.  It is not unusual to be given

           nicknames such as "Squirrel cheeks," "Dizzy," or

           "Brioche Face" while thus afflicted, and these nicknames

           may endure for years, causing embarrassment and

           ridicule that may endanger psychological health during

           the critical adolescent years.



                 Just something to look out for.



           NAUSEA



                 The sensation of wanting or needing to vomit.

           While nausea itself is not an illness or disease, but rather

           a symptom, nausea can be treated with Bismuth

           Subsalicylate.  'When a patient becomes nauseous, do

           attempt to determine the cause of the underlying illness.

           is interesting to note that although man is not the only

           It'eature to experience nausea, man IS the only creature

           to feel a need to "kneel before the porcelain goddess" first

           in order to make the offering.



           POISON IVY, POISON OAK, POISON SUMAC



                 Three species of plants that are both poisonous if

           taken internally and also liable to cause allergic reactions

           if touched.

                 Identifying the plants may go a long way towards

           preventing accidental exposure.  Poison ivy and poison

           oak have three leaves in a cluster; poison sumac has a

           row of paired leaflets. Of course, this could describe any

           of thousands of non-poisonous common plants, so the

           only surefire way of determining whether a particular

           plant is poisonous or not is to rub some briskly on an

           unimportant, unused part of the body (the head would

           probably be appropriate in this case).

                 First-aid consists chiefly of cleansing the affected

           area, swabbing with alcohol and then with calamine

           lotion.  Wash any clothing that may have come in contact

           with the plant.  People with extremely severe or

           unsightly reactions to poison ivy, oak or sumac should

           probably be sterilized so as not to pass on this allergy to

           the next generation.



           POX



                 A collective term for any of a number of infectious

           diseases resulting in blistery, weeping skin eruptions

           (such as chicken pox).  However, it is also used to refer to

           a disease also called "syphilis," inaccurately known as

           the "love disease" since it seems to be passed on primarily

           by outhouse seats with inadequate openings.



           PREGNANCY



                 A temporary, usually non-fatal condition involving a

           parasitic embryo, a host female, and a disinterested third

           party (usually a father).  The embryo attaches itself to

           the inside of the female's uterus and feeds off of her blood

           and other bodily fluids, growing very rapidly, much like a

           tapeworm, only rounder. Fortunately, the parasite usually

           detaches itself (See: KIDNEY STONES for a description of the pain

           involved in this process.) within 8-9 months, after which

           its parasitic tendencies become largely financial in nature.

                 Fortunately, we now know that pregnancy is

           entirely preventable simply by staying home on Friday

           and Saturday nights.



           PSORIASIS & DERMATITIS



                 Psoriasis is a specific skin condition in which

           epidermal cells are manufactured faster than normal and

           not allowed to mature, resulting in an excess supply of

           immature skin cells which flake off rather than hang

           around and finish school. It may also cause heal'tbreak.

                 Dermatitis is a general term for any lloll-specific

           inflammation of the skin, attributable either to allerg-ies

           or unknown causes.  Eczema, seborrhea, and dandruff

           are all examples of dermatitis. Fish oil is believed to help

           alleviate both psoriasis and other dermatitises, but many

           would rather live with the condition thall walk about

           smelling of mackerel.



           RABIES



                 An acute viral infection of the nervous system,

           usually fatal, often passed on to humans through contact

           with animal saliva.  There is no current treatment for

           rabies.

                 One of the most commonly acknowledged

           symptoms is the intriguing "foaming at the mouth" bit.

           This symptom is highly overrated. The foaming is nd big

           deal; it's not a big frothing mass like a bubble bath. In

           fact, it's quite subtle, a thin foam resembling: creme

           fraiche or a light hollandaise.  By the time you've spotted

           it, it's usually too late. Cut and run.



           SCIATICA



                 A pain that radiates up and down the sciatic nerve

           (primary nerve of the leg).  Spinal injuries are the most

           common reason for sciatica, though it may also be caused

           by tumors, abscesses, blood clots, or simply by incorrect

           posture.  Treatment consists of bed rest and analgesics;

           the symptoms usually disappear within a few days.

                 Sciatica, being one of those conditions little-

           understood by the general public, is an excellent excuse

           to stay home from work. "My sciatica's acting: up again"

           is a colorful and quaint complaint, and since the average

           Joseph has no idea whether or not it's contagious, he's

           ikely to grant you a respite from work until you are

           better.  (Rabies is also a splendid' excuse to stay home

           from work, but generally only works once.)



           SUNBURN



                 This is simply inflammation due to excess

           exposure to the sun.  These days, the risk of sunburn

           may easily be lessened by using what's called a "sun

           block." Tar, molasses, white oil paint and most laxatives,

           either singly or in combination, make effective sun

           blocks.

                 Should you forget to bring your bucket of tar to

           the beach, sunburn may be soothed with an application of

           calamine lotion. Alternatively, a rubefacient applied to

           the areas NOT affected by sunburn will at least spread

           out the discomfort.



           SUNSTROKE



                 Also results from overexposure to direct sun,

           usually afflicting those who are unaccustomed to hot

           temp eratures. Sunstroke (and other heatstrokes) are life-

           endangering if not treated promptly, as the body's heat-

           regulating mechanisms break down and allow the body

           to literally overheat.

                 Fast treatment consists of wrapping the patient,

           naked, in a cold, wet sheet. Douse the sheet continuously

           with extra water, or repeatedly sponge the victim with

           cold water.  Force-feed the victim quiescently frozen

           confections.  Continue until the patient's internal

           temperature  registers 101 degrees on a rectal

           thermometer.



           WARTS



                 Contagious but harmless growths on skin or,

           occasionally, on mucus membranes.

                 Warts can be frozen off or picked off (be sure your

           fingernails are clean), but the most effective treatment

           for removing or "fetching" a wart is that prescribed by

           Samuel Clemens involving stump water and a dead cat at

           midnight. See: TOM SAWYER.

